Migraine has me down tonight. I've been battling headaches all week. My medications aren't keeping them away and I'm now experiencing piercing pain that has been growing in intensity all day. I should just go to bed, but I know I will just toss and turn. In a way, although my head is throbbing, it's a bit better to keep a little busy, albeit at a much slower pace. Still I can't turn off the voice in my head that is shouting at me with each pulse of pain, "You've failed." When the headaches get bad, I don't hide it. I often announce it on Facebook, even. I don't mean to fish for sympathy. In a way, I just want to ask for forgiveness: the reason why I am -- today, at least -- dropping the ball is that I'm feeling like giant evil hand is gripping my skull.
Meanwhile, I'm slinking through life. Even when I don't have a headache, there's the shadow of possibly getting one that haunts me. So, I can't enjoy what I eat, especially when I eat out a restaurant or at someone's house, because I suspect the food may cause me grief. I look at weather reports with trepidation because those startling changes our dear Midwest loves to give us often brings me pain. Worrying brings on a headache, some say, which annoys me because what kind of weak-willed person lets their emotions bring them down so pathetically? Nevertheless, here I am having a week of headaches and now today, the day when I can't even attempt to turn to strong pharmaceuticals for help because I've reached my weekly limit, I lack the energy to feed my children a coherent dinner. "Who wants to cook for Mom?" I joke. "I will!" says the 8-year old and they all get excited when I raise no objections to cereal for dinner. Sure, that's a fun treat for them, but I'm thinking of what a nutritional void it is and how I'm already giving my daughter a complex about eating. She proudly announced she does not have a headache tonight despite having a hot dog for lunch at the school picnic. At least they ate strawberries for dessert.
There's so much I want to do as a mom. I want to do all the basic food, clothing and shelter things a parent ought to do. I also want to model service for the children. I want them to see their parents helping others and I want them to have the opportunity to take care of their friends and their community as needs arise. Unfortunately, even on my best, healthiest days I am so worn from doing the basic food and clothing thing for my three darlings that I'm too pooped to do much beyond maybe cut out a "Box Top for Education." On a headache day? Can't drag my butt off the couch. And yet, not a block from my house are more than a handful of families in my very own neighborhood with real issues who deserve a meal, a listening ear, even just a potted plant on their doorstep and I don't have the energy to get that done. I feel like I'm failing them and failing my kids for not showing them how to serve their neighbor. For crying out loud, I get headaches. It's not cancer. I'm not dying. But it feels like my head is cracking open and it's messing things up. What's the deal? How hard can it be to eat a healthy diet, do a little exercise, have one pill that actually gets rid off the occasional headache and go on with life? Apparently, that's too much to ask. Stupid headache, go away. We have things to do.
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